fingers

you never realize how much you miss something until you dont have it, so they say.

something like, oh...i dont know, your left index finger, for example. i cut a small fraction of mine off the other night and while i know that it will grow back, it makes simple little tasks (like typing this post) a lot more difficult.

but you never realize that when you have it.

so i'm thankful today for my 9.8 fingers and hope to have all ten back soon.

but something about the way i handled the situation the night it happened brought out something that is a recurring theme in my life. as with the last injury i sustained, which resulted in staples to my head to keep it all together, i was very calm and had everything under control. looked like a stud, gettin myself hurt and not crying or showing hardly any concern. clearly i've got everything together right?

its one of my greatest strengths but certainly one of my greatest weaknesses. my friend asked me, "do you ever get stressed?"

makes me realize how much i never admit my need for help, my weaknesses, my pain, my vulnerabilities. because i need to appear strong.

or at least, i think i do.

adoption

"You don't have to do that anymore...I am not like your old family."

this is what He says to me. He looks at me, at things i am holding on to, and says i don't need them anymore. i hold onto my pride, my reputation--things i feel i need to live.

i think that without people looking on me with approval and respect, that i cannot be sustained. that i will wither away in sadness and fear and loneliness. so i hide these things, because i fear that i will not have them otherwise and that i need to provide for myself.

but in my new family, things don't work like that. He provides for me, and i will never go hungry again. its kinda silly, i guess, that i hold on to these things as if i need them, when i've been given so much more by being adopted into His family. it doesn't fully make sense to me. there's no way that He actually cares about me that much, and pursues me that intensely.

but He does.

and that's the good news that i call the gospel.